“I grant
we are apt, prone, and ready, to forsake God; but is God ready to forsake us?
Our minds are changeable; is His so likewise?” – John Updike
Today, as I sat locked in my car
in the parking lot of my building for 15 mins, it struck me that perhaps God
has forsaken me finally. We have always shared a love hate relationship, even
though we were not equals. I was arrogant, sarcastic, cynical, bitter, impostor
and HE? Well, he was the God of course! We were like a divorced couple, me and
god, who had started out as friends, fell in love, got married, fell out of
love and got divorced amicably. And occasionally when we bumped into each other
at a common friend’s, we shared a casual hello and talked about the weather.
But then, he was someone who knew my deepest, darkest secret. He knew me for
the person I was and one that I had become. In some strange pitiable kind of
way, I could still bank on him. Why then, did he decide that he will disappear
in the oblivion one fine day because it sure felt like he had done that?
He had been with me every time I
was at the crossroads, identifying my lesser gods, being torn between faith and
doubt. And today, I was in doubt and he was nowhere to be found. The fifteen
minutes had begun to seem like fifteen years. The prospect of getting out of
the car and walking into my home seemed such a difficult task that I preferred
keeping myself locked in the iron box which wouldn’t let my crying out. Because
people ask questions, they are always doubting, sometimes even hoping that
something is wrong. It was only him that I needed right now and since he wasn’t there, it was
rather a comfort being alone. Déjà vu’. Just like the old days.
Earlier in the day when I was
driving, I almost wished that the truck would hit me. But that would make
matters worse. No one would end up any happier, besides the car would be gone.
So I gave the truck idea a miss. What could I do then?
The resemblance was getting
uncanny and a very disturbing pattern was emerging in my life where I always
ended up being let down and letting down where I expected the least. I fancied
myself being a good daughter, a decent lover and a dedicated hard worker,
besides my million flaws. And yet, it hadn’t quite worked out for me. I had
never been the articulate kind, and had a made a habit of blaming all my
emotional inadequacies on that. But today, I got thinking, was it just that? My
friends and I used to laugh about my ‘romantically challenged’ status. Was it
that funny though? My family had over the years, developed all kinds of private
jokes about my being aloof all the time. Was it so hysterical after all? All the patterns in my life had one thing in
common- me.
I wish I could find God. I had so many unanswered questions.
I was a self obsessed nerd
–snazzy hybrid who slept in a double bed, was a cleanliness freak, who snacked
in the wee hours of the morning, collected quotations and didn’t leave the
house without kohl even when she was very upset. I was weird in so many ways.
And yet I always felt that I deserved some respite. If only, he was here
today…
And now, it seems like such a loser thing to
write things like these as if the world cares, but do I care?
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