In simpler times...

Those were the simpler times. When hanging out meant feasting at the roadside Chinese van; when five hundred bucks were a lot of money. When we thought we would find someone, fall in love, settle down. One smoke and all the worries disappeared because we had rebelled and gave the world a taste of its own medicine (or so we thought). And true love of course could happen only once. One never felt the need to be guarded. In simpler times.

 And then gradually we made this shift to this oblivious realm where the first and the foremost thing was to be cautious, on your guard, all the time. For who knows who or what might break your heart or bones. Always on the guard. Not living, just guarding. All the time. All the time rushing too, always wanting to reach someplace, always wanting to rush out from another. The overpowering monster of ambition always hovering over the head, poisonously whispering “do better”. All the time living in the constant need of conforming.

And today I had this thought. After a long draught, finally a thought!

Wasn’t this the very bourgeoisie instinct that I once resented? Wasn’t I falling in the same trap I so detested and vehemently protested against? Where was the free thinking, me? Where was the foolishly rebellious without a cause girl who read Dorothy Parker a bit too much?  I kept thinking about all this and a lot more as a razor moonlight coming from the gaps in the curtain split me into two. What had become of life?

I had veered from my course this time. But it felt good. There was an underlying guilt but sometime it seemed only fair. One could not wreck another human being’s life and hope for only happiness in return. Surely, there had to be a penalty. Surely. And it came in the form of guilt- a weapon so deadly that not even death could scare it away.  But what can one do. The heart wants what it wants.

And for one thing I learnt that love, no matter how overrated, is capable of bringing redemption. Provided one could find that kind of love. And if anything, that is one challenging thing to do. Sometimes, our fears are so irrational that only love can set it away. Some mistakes are so sinful that only love can help us make our peace with ourselves. Some things are so heartbreaking that only love could heal it. Provided one could find that kind of love and not loose it of course.

I had tried being guarded and I had laid my soul bare and yet found no perfect formula. It could lead to damages either way. It could damage not only you but many around. So what it finally boiled down to was to just live your life, the way you want, trying to hurt as little people as possible. Striving to do “better” in life and rushing for it was all very good but what matters is happiness. Provided you could find it.