Love happened again. I had never thought it would. There were bigger plans this time, more material in nature I’d say. Building careers, buying a house, a car, making a life together was in the list. Hardly was there any sign of gigantic promises and bloated ideals. This felt more real even with the paradox of an absent fantasy world. Everything had changed with time. Life had made me what was considered “practical”. Presentations and other team building exercises now kept me busy instead of the extended discussions about my favorite literary characters.
In the midst of strategic marketing and capital budgeting my love life was flourishing on the utilitarian grounds. Cynical one may call me, but unfortunately I was even losing out on the great talent of being fantastically pessimistic and contemptuous. I don’t know if I was kinder or more charitable now but certainly I was less fervent. Whether love had made me more generous is a question I still dwell upon but it certainly had made me more accepting.
S0, speaking of love, I had never felt so contented in a very long time. It was almost unsettling. My inner self was urging for restlessness.
And it came….
Things took a change for the worse all of a sudden, just like that. Like there are natural disasters, there are disasters in a relationship as well and they come unannounced. I did not know I was capable of feeling so much pain. I was always the ‘practical’ one. However, sometimes even the ‘practical’ ones get broken down unless their hearts are made of steel of course. In my case it was just a regular heart!
Recovery was to be the next step. I tried immersing myself in Shantaram, Philip Kotler, corporate blogs and a plethora of movies but it just didn’t seem to work. I feel one of the worst things that can happen to you is when the thought of loving itself starts seeming scary. Once in my graduation, a professor famously said, while teaching Petrachan poetry “what kind of love is it that makes you unhappy?” Me and Farrago had laughed and pondered over at it many a times but suddenly today, the statement started making a lot of sense.
I started wondering that we are always looking for second chances in life; are we ready to give love a second chance? Sure love was a painful enterprise but it brought along the goodies too. Is it bravery, forgiveness, understanding or cowardice that makes us take the decision? These, and a lot more questions troubled me. They still do because I haven’t found the answers yet…
reading this reminded me of how we used to find laughter among the gravest of problems. Even the most traumatic experiences had a funny side to them and we inevitably redeemed ourselves by finding that side. Now, after going through the rigors of a developing corporate life, its the laughter that is missing. Everything that used to be braved with a smile now seems dangerously unmanageable.,.but unlike dear ol' Louisa, we have brought ourselves to this and we better save ourselves by means that hopefully wont be the end of us.
ReplyDeleteWe have been trying to "save" ourselves for a very long time now...the reasons being:
ReplyDelete1. Its a dangerous world
2. We had brought ourselves to this so we had to save ourselves with any means
3. Save yourself. Others you cannot save.
back then it was easier..embedding quotes in our own lives, foster cans in a the self made "goa",etc. etc....the thoughts were unmanageable then, so are they now. The only difference is that now maybe we want to control them; while at that time they were left free to wonder...
I have never been able to understand how one can fall out of love or that it can make you unhappy but yet it is so true love as we all know makes us unhappy as well. Oh yes it has its goodies. I think love is most misunderstood wanting someone to be there beside you as per when you need (like a remote control) is love today. It is sure to disappoint as you can control the other. The 50's 60's and flower children they tried alternatives but that too failed.
ReplyDeleteBut then what is love !!! Confusing... Mind does not help, emotions fool time and again...
by the way a very nice post, you write very well !